Category Archives: relationships

17 for ’17: New Year’s Resolutions for Christian Single Adults

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resolutions

Which resolutions resonate most with you?

1) When I’m at the crossroads of making a decision, I’ll commit to the path that will glorify God the most even if it does not bring me the most immediate personal satisfaction.  (Revelation 4:11)

2) My relationship status will not define me in 2017.  My relationship with God will be the foundation of my identity.  (2 Corinthians 5:17)

3) God’s word will be a lamp to my feet and a light to my path, informing and illuminating every step that I take.  (Psalm 119:105)

4) I will not hold my past sins against me since God doesn’t.  (Psalm 103:12)

5) I will depend more on God’s strength than believing I can do it all on my own.  (Philippians 4:23)

6) When I am blessed, I will in turn use that blessing to be a blessing to others.
(Genesis 12:2)

7) Any new dating relationship will be measured against one simple criteria: Will it bring me closer to God or move me further away?  (James 4:8)

8) I will thirst for God in ways that I have never thirsted for Him before.  (Psalm 63:1)

9) I will graciously serve others with a desire to point them to God’s compassion and mercy.  (Matthew 5:16)

10) I will surround myself with wise voices that will pour God’s Truth and loving correction into my life.  (Proverb 15:22)

11) I will not let my singleness inhibit my involvement with and contribution to the Body of Christ.  (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

12) I will carefully reevaluate anything in my life that  begins to take a greater priority than God does.  (Exodus 20:3)

13) During the difficult times when I am immersed in the valleys, I will hold on to God’s promise that He can work all things together for my good.  (Romans 8:28)

14) I will freely offer forgiveness not just to absolve others of their guilt but also to extend freedom to myself.  I refuse to let others’ past offenses against me define me and hold me back.  (Ephesians 4:32)

15) I will relinquish to God any anger that I am holding in my heart before I rest my head on my pillow every night.  (Ephesians 4:26)

16) I will not covet what others have, including their marriages.  (Exodus 20:17)

17) God has spiritually gifted me as a believer, and I intend to find purpose in a special and unique way as I serve in the sweet spot of that giftedness.  (1 Corinthians 12)

Resolutions are only as good as their follow through.  May God bless you with an incredible 2017 as you live out your singleness fully devoted to Him.

Dr. Greg Belcher, Lead Pastor of Fellowship Church of Burbank (California), former Pastor of Single Adults @ Hope Community Church (Raleigh, NC)

A Valentine’s Day Prayer for Singles

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Heavenly Father,HappyValentinesDay-FINAL

In my heart I know today is just another day.  24 hours.  1440 minutes.  86,400 seconds.  Same as yesterday.  Same as tomorrow.

But in another sense it’s different from any other day.  Very different.  And I confess to you that sometimes throughout today I’ll let it get to me.  Let it get me down.  And even let the enemy get a foothold if I’m not careful.

I love to see the joy in the faces of the other ladies in my office as they smell the flowers and consume the cards with an unrestrained smile greeted by a cherished tear.  There’s nothing more special than that.  Knowing that someone didn’t just remember you.  But they remembered you enough to go out of their way to make a public display.  A spectacle of their love for you.  Now that’s special.

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The “One Thing” Experts Say a Good Relationship Must Have

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CoupleHoldingHands2

What is the “one thing” experts say a good relationship must have?

Dr. Neil Clark Warren has been a widely recognized clinical psychologist for 30+ years, is acknowledged as one of the nation’s leading relationship experts, and is perhaps most known as the founder of eHarmony.  When asked about the “one thing” absolutely necessary for a good relationship, this is what Dr. Warren had to say . . .

“I was talking with my good friend and colleague Les Parrott about the qualities of a good relationship when Les asked me, ‘Neil, if you could offer one word of advice to someone who is about to be married, what would it be?’

Without a moment’s hesitation, I replied, ‘Get yourself healthy before you get yourself married.’  The health I see as crucial for your relationship to survive and thrive is emotional health.

If you want to build intimacy with another person before you have done the hard work of getting yourself whole and healthy, all your relationships will become attempts to complete yourself.  Moreover, if you are not healthy yourself, you will almost always attach yourself to another person in hopes of validating your self-worth.  It’s as if you are saying, ‘He (or she) seems to have it all together, so if I attach myself to him, I can be healthy because he makes up for all the things I am lacking in my emotional stability.’

That’s why [an] essential dimension of a great relationship has to do with the quality of your self-conception and that of your partner.  A person who has a good self-conception doesn’t depend on anyone else to provide validation and meaning for life.  He or she is strong enough to face life alone if necessary.  He is prepared to deal with the ups and the downs, the good and the bad, the joys and the sorrows, and the harsh realities of life.

Over the years, I’ve counseled with thousands of individuals and couples, and I have discovered a provocative truth.  Most of those couples did not first and foremost have marriage problems; in almost every case, one or both of the partners had emotional problems that were magnified under the intense friction and heat that marriage produces.

The relationship between two people can be no healthier than the emotional health of the least healthy person.”

– excerpted from “Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons” (Center Street, 2005) by Dr. Neil Clark Warren

Life is Full of Surprises

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CharlieBrown-LifeIsFullOfSurprises2  “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. . .”
– Ephesians 3:20 (NIV)

Life is full of surprises.  And so is God.

In almost seven years of attending seminary, I heard some of the most distinguished theologians of our day describe God in astute terms.  He’s the God of the immutable.  He’s the God of the omnipotent.  He’s the God of the transcendent.  He’s the God of the immanent.  The God of the benevolent.

All magnificent words with which to characterize God.  All applicable.  All appropriate.

But never once do I remember one of my esteemed professors describing God as the “God of surprises.”  Which is surprising. 

It can be difficult for us in our learned ways to characterize God in terms that would appear to defy our mental grasp.  Even if it’s a surprisingly simple term.  And so we box Him in.  Like a caged tiger.  Or an aquariumed shark.  Or even a jailed criminal.  With words that aren’t so surprising.

So that He’s safe.  You’re safe.  I’m safe.  We’re all seemingly safe.  Since the tiger can’t bend steel.  The shark can’t bite through glass.  The criminal can’t do much of anything without a key.  And God is safely within our control.  And our grasp.  Within the box.  No surprises.

And yet God seems to do His best work when we try to box Him in.  Only to catch us, and everyone else, by surprise.
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When Romance Meets Reality in Every Relationship

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There’s a point in every relationship in which you eventually begin to see the other person not as the idealized self that your heart has romanticized but as the flawed individual that he or she necessarily is.  It’s happened to you.  It’s happened to others.  It’s happened to anyone who’s ever dated for any length of time.  Or crossed the threshold of marriage into reality.  And it’s at that point that you have to decide if you’re just in love with being in love or if you’re truly in love with a flesh-and-blood human being who faces the same struggles that you do.

Dr. Les Parrott, a professor of clinical psychology, and his wife, Dr. Leslie Parrott, a marriage and family therapist, have written about this key turning point in every relationship in their insightful book “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts” (Zondervan, 1995).  Whether you’re presently in a relationship that’s headed to the altar or not, their description of what it means to come face-to-face with romantic disillusionment gives helpful direction to us all.  The following excerpt is taken from their book chapter addressing myths in relationships that must be confronted if you’re going to progress to a deeper level of intimacy.

“Most relationships begin with an emotional honeymoon, a time of deep and passionate romance.  But this romance is invariably temporary.  In The Road Less Traveled, Dr. Scott Peck says that ‘no matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough.’  He does not mean that we cease loving our partner.  He means that the feeling of ecstatic love that characterizes the experience of falling in love always passes.  ‘The honeymoon always ends,’ he states.  ‘The bloom of romance always fades.’
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Just Divorced and Single Again. Now What?

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JustDivorced

Clinical psychologists estimate that 80 percent of those who encounter divorce also experience severe emotional trauma as part of the marital divide.  The first couple of years following a divorce, therefore, are an especially important time frame to find healing and support.  Unfortunately, it’s a natural tendency for many during this tender transition period immediately to seek out unhealthy romantic relationships that end up compounding the hurt and pain instead of approaching it as a season of recuperation and spiritual strengthening.

Dr. Harold Ivan Smith, a pioneer in the divorce recovery and single adult ministry movement, has experienced divorce himself first-hand and offers some valuable advice about the readjustment period accompanying the end of a marriage.  The following is excerpted from Dr. Smith’s book “Singles Ask: Answers to Questions about Relationships and Sexuality” (Augsburg, 1998):

“As a divorced single adult, I know some of the struggles of readjustment.  Here are my suggestions for successfully readjusting:
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Relationship Red Flags

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RedFlag-Man

Relationship red flags wave everywhere.  You’d think we’d learn to see them.  And to heed them.  But if it’s the right person who captures our attention.  At just the right time.  In just the right way.  Then all the relationship advice about red flags that we’ve been doling out to our friends.  Seems to fly out the window.  As if we’re not susceptible.  As if red flags don’t apply to us.  At least not this time around!
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