The “One Thing” Experts Say a Good Relationship Must Have

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What is the “one thing” experts say a good relationship must have?

Dr. Neil Clark Warren has been a widely recognized clinical psychologist for 30+ years, is acknowledged as one of the nation’s leading relationship experts, and is perhaps most known as the founder of eHarmony.  When asked about the “one thing” absolutely necessary for a good relationship, this is what Dr. Warren had to say . . .

“I was talking with my good friend and colleague Les Parrott about the qualities of a good relationship when Les asked me, ‘Neil, if you could offer one word of advice to someone who is about to be married, what would it be?’

Without a moment’s hesitation, I replied, ‘Get yourself healthy before you get yourself married.’  The health I see as crucial for your relationship to survive and thrive is emotional health.

If you want to build intimacy with another person before you have done the hard work of getting yourself whole and healthy, all your relationships will become attempts to complete yourself.  Moreover, if you are not healthy yourself, you will almost always attach yourself to another person in hopes of validating your self-worth.  It’s as if you are saying, ‘He (or she) seems to have it all together, so if I attach myself to him, I can be healthy because he makes up for all the things I am lacking in my emotional stability.’

That’s why [an] essential dimension of a great relationship has to do with the quality of your self-conception and that of your partner.  A person who has a good self-conception doesn’t depend on anyone else to provide validation and meaning for life.  He or she is strong enough to face life alone if necessary.  He is prepared to deal with the ups and the downs, the good and the bad, the joys and the sorrows, and the harsh realities of life.

Over the years, I’ve counseled with thousands of individuals and couples, and I have discovered a provocative truth.  Most of those couples did not first and foremost have marriage problems; in almost every case, one or both of the partners had emotional problems that were magnified under the intense friction and heat that marriage produces.

The relationship between two people can be no healthier than the emotional health of the least healthy person.

– excerpted from “Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons” (Center Street, 2005) by Dr. Neil Clark Warren

14 for 2014: Resolutions for Single Adults in the Year Ahead

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14 for 2014.  Resolutions for single adults culled from 3+ years serving as Pastor of Single Adults at one of America’s largest churches.  Which resolutions resonate the most with you?  What would you add to the list?

  1. Instead of being consumed with trying to find someone to “complete” me, I will passionately pursue getting to know the One who created me.
  2. Life is too short to just let it pass me by.  I will laugh more in 2014 than ever before and put the “little things” that used to hold me back from pursuing my dreams into their proper perspective.
  3. When I think about the traits that I desire in a future mate, I am determined to be that type of person myself.  I want to embody the characteristics that I’m looking for in a spouse.
  4. I will back away from any dating relationship that crosses physical boundaries that are not honoring to God.
  5. I will be known as more of an encourager than a complainer.
  6. Focusing on my health and living well will be a top priority.  Eating right, getting consistent exercise, and establishing good sleep patterns will be everyday goals.
  7. I will take it to heart that God loves me unconditionally and that He can use even mistakes in my past to mold me into the person He wants me to be.
  8. I will take God at His Word to not be “unequally yoked” when it comes to relationships.
  9. I will not take friendships for granted but will go out of my way to be there for those who are always there for me.
  10. When others remind me that I am “still single,” I will respond with a smile and think to myself that this is a significant season of my life that God has set aside to serve Him in an especially faithful way.
  11. I will be grateful for what I do have in my life instead of focusing on what I don’t have.
  12. I will devote myself to understanding God’s Word like never before, even if it means cutting out other things in my life to have the necessary time that I know it’s going to take.
  13. I will be careful about what I expose myself to in 2014 when it comes to the Internet and other media.
  14. I will not hold on to hurt and bitterness from past relationships but will seek healing from God that allows me to live thankfully with a forgiving spirit.

May God richly bless you in 2014!

 

Dr. Greg Belcher – a single adult who has pastored churches in North Carolina and Georgia, most recently serving as the Pastor of Single Adults (and Young Professionals) at the rapidly growing Hope Community Church (7000+ weekly attendance) located in Raleigh, NC.